Bonus Content

 A colleague asked me for input on a meeting this morning. My mind immediately started wondering why they were asking. "Do I say too much and they are trying to get ahead of it?" "Are they worried I will bring up something I shouldn't?" I realized this is a pattern for me. I respond to attention in one of two ways: if it is unexpected - I try to figure out what the person's agenda or ulterior motive is; if I have manipulated the attention - I am excited by it.

This is a discovery for me. I recently figured out that childhood abuse caused my compliancy (sp?) with men. My childhood abuse also caused me to be wary of attention. Attention from my father always meant something bad. I tried to be under the radar anytime he was around. This has created a behavior in me where unexpected attention puts me on guard - trying to figure out what bad thing is about to happen. I like attention but only when I have manipulated it. That type of attention is safe but more importantly I get the attention I want (type) and from who I want.

The other thing that occurred to me is that my father's abuse was not because of me. His abuse of me was entirely because of what happened to him. The ONLY job I had was being born. By that simple fact, I fulfilled every responsibility I owed him. Just by BEING - I am exactly what I'm supposed to be. I had no other resonsibility to him. The entire rest of my life is BONUS CONTENT. He had no right to abuse me because I forgot to do something or because I didn't act a way he expected. He abused me because of his failures or inadequacies or his past. It had nothing to do with me.