Compliant

 I was listening to a podcast ("Depresh Mode") and John Moe was interview KC Davis (link below). She said something that was very enlightening to me. She said that something therapists look for when they are interviewing children suspected of being abused is that they are compliant. Not behaved - compliant. They are afraid of making mistakes, they do everything they are told, they don't question authority. They don't have tantrums. They don't act out. This was so mind-blowing for me. My father was abusive. I was compliant at home and at school. More importantly though - I was compliant with abusive men. I was sexually abused by several different men and I was compliant. I hate that about myself. I hate thinking about just letting those things happen to me and not fighting back. But hearing KC Davis this morning say that children who are abused learn to be compliant was so freeing. My father's behavior taught me to be compliant and that translated into allowing men to abuse me sexually. This spilled over into consensual sex as well with my partners. My drive to please them - never meet my own needs. Do things that make me uncomfortable.

Depresh Mode - KC Davis episode