Compliant

 I was listening to a podcast ("Depresh Mode") and John Moe was interview KC Davis (link below). She said something that was very enlightening to me. She said that something therapists look for when they are interviewing children suspected of being abused is that they are compliant. Not behaved - compliant. They are afraid of making mistakes, they do everything they are told, they don't question authority. They don't have tantrums. They don't act out. This was so mind-blowing for me. My father was abusive. I was compliant at home and at school. More importantly though - I was compliant with abusive men. I was sexually abused by several different men and I was compliant. I hate that about myself. I hate thinking about just letting those things happen to me and not fighting back. But hearing KC Davis this morning say that children who are abused learn to be compliant was so freeing. My father's behavior taught me to be compliant and that translated into allowing men to abuse me sexually. This spilled over into consensual sex as well with my partners. My drive to please them - never meet my own needs. Do things that make me uncomfortable.

Depresh Mode - KC Davis episode

My First Vision Board

 I made this in Canva in June 2022. Really like it. 

Arrival

 How did I get here? I don’t know for sure but I’ve finally arrived! I think I was always searching but I wasn’t sure for what. And maybe I didn’t even know I was looking.

I know a few days ago I heard this song - it was a love song. But while I was singing it I wanted someone to sing it to me and then I WAS singing it to me. I was imagining what it would feel like to love yourself that much. I wondered if I could love myself so much that I could be my own best friend - my own lover - my confidante - my cheerleader. The song was I Won’t Give Up by Jason Mraz:

When I look into your eyes
It's like watching the night sky
Or a beautiful sunrise
Well there's so much they hold
And just like them old stars

I see that you've come so far
To be right where you are
How old is your soul?

Well, I won't give up on us
Even if the skies get rough
I'm giving you all my love
I'm still looking up

And when you're needing your space
To do some navigating
I'll be here patiently waiting
To see what you find

'Cause even the stars they burn
Some even fall to the earth
We've got a lot to learn
God knows we're worth it
No, I won't give up

I don't wanna be someone who walks away so easily
I'm here to stay and make the difference that I can make
Our differences they do a lot to teach us how to use the tools and gifts
We got yeah we got a lot at stake
And in the end you're still my friend at least we did intend
For us to work we didn't break, we didn't burn
We had to learn, how to bend without the world caving in
I had to learn what I got, and what I'm not
And who I am

I won't give up on us
Even if the skies get rough
I'm giving you all my love
I'm still looking up
I'm still looking up

Well, I won't give up on us (no I'm not giving up)
God knows I'm tough (I am tough) he knows (I am loved)
We got a lot to learn (we're alive, we are loved)
God knows we're worth it (and we're worth it)

I won't give up on us
Even if the skies get rough
I'm giving you all my love
I'm still looking up

So much to tell . . .

It’s pointless to try to update everything since the last post. So - here’s the TL:DR version - disillusioned by Mormon Church, two suicide attempts, countless panic attacks, unhappy, dissatisfied in my marriage, faith crisis, hours of therapy, DBT, asked my husband for separation in February 2020, resigned church membership in March 2020, pandemic, sell the house, move to an apartment, divorced in March 2021, changed my name in April 2021, happy. 

Learning to Run

I decided to sign up for the Lawyers Have Heart 10k run on June 12. It's important to note that I don't run. I believe the last time I ran -- besides to catch the incoming Metro train, to catch my runaway dog, and to catch my 3 year old before he ran into oncoming traffic - that one's been a while since my 3 year old is now 15 -- the last time I ran would have been in high school . . . because I HAD to . . . to pass P.E. So, I'm not sure what planets aligned last week and gave me enough optimism and motivation to think this was not only a good idea but that I could successfully run a 6 mile race in the next 7 weeks, but here I am - learning to run.

It's been about a week and today I saw my first bit of progress. I decided to set a 2 mile course for the first week and a half that I would walk the first mile and then run the second. That notion was easily displaced the first morning when I ran for about 30 seconds when my legs decided they were not running anymore. I managed to finish one minute of jogging, walked for another minute, jogged for another, walked another minute, and then barely finished the third minute of jogging before I wisely decided I would finish the mile walking. My training plan includes running every other day and cardio on the alternating days. On my running days, I get so winded during the 1 minute walk/1 minute jog that I can barely drink from my water bottle.

Today was officially the start of the second week of my training plan. I set out this morning feeling pretty good and realized after the third cycle of walking/jogging that I could keep going. I did a 5 minute walk/jog cycle and decided to finish the course by walking. After today, I'm excited to see where I'll be in another 6 weeks.

Surviving the Blizzard of 2010

Garrett invited a friend to get snowed in with us and Randy and I hit the grocery store with mobs of other last minute shoppers. I had already made the milk and toilet paper run; but I forgot Superbowl Sunday!! We basically shopped for root beer, chips, dip, and chili fixings. Good thing I had already purchased the essentials. By Thursday night, the water, milk, and bread aisles were decimated. My office closed Friday along with Fairfax County schools and Randy worked until about 3pm. We went out for lunch on Friday (a rare treat as we work in different cities) and I remember looking outside and thinking how the entire area would be blanketed by snow in a few hours.

Everyone was home and warm by Friday night and we sat and watched the snow pile up. By Saturday morning, our entire neighborhood was coated in white. James and I were the only two up when the power finally went out for good at around 8am. Friday night, we entertained each other with Just Dance on the wii (video below). It was a blast, great exercise, and fantastic family time.

Saturday morning, after getting a fire going in the woodstove and food cooking on the gas grill, we sat down for a marathon Monopoly session that lasted 5 hours. After almost going bankrupt halfway through the game, luck smiled on me and I managed to bankrupt Randy, followed by James, and then Garrett with my monopolies and hotels on the entire property line from Free parking to Go To Jail.

The power returned around 12:30pm but no one was willing to give up on Monopoly so we played until 5pm. Besides the deck, we didn't get much shoveling done on Saturday so the real work starts today. It has been fun being snowed in with my family and knowing everyone is safe. I doubt the kids will be back in school before Wednesday.

I've been here two and a half months . . .

Just got back from Yellowstone. That was the most unrelaxing vacation I've ever taken. I don't mean that I didn't thoroughly enjoy it. It was awesome, exhilerating, breathtaking, and lots of fun but definitely not relaxing. I had altitude sickness much of the week that mostly affected my ability to sleep and we were constantly on the move. We would get up at 6 to go on activities or sight-see early to catch glimpses of animals and big fish. I think we all could have done without the horse-back riding but the white-water rafting was amazing.

It was surreal to see animals walking alongside the road. Bison, elk, coyote, even bear (although the bear weren't that close), pronghorn, big horn sheep, mountain goat, even ground squirrels and prairie dogs. When we were on an eco-tour with a ranger guide, one man outside of our tour was asked to step away from some bison that were crossing the road. The rule is to stay 25 yards away from all animals. His response was "It's okay, I've been here two and a half months." As if the longer you stay, the closer and more interactive you can become with the animals. They're wild animals!! It became a running joke for us. The day we finally got to see the bears, we decided that another three months and I could probably go up and feed them. People can be stupid . . .

I can't say enough about the white water rafting trip. I never entertained the idea that our raft could get dumped. Not smart - we got dumped! It was scary and I wouldn't choose to do it again, but it was a great experience. The Yellowstone river is an awesome force - not to mention freezing cold. Randy scraped his shin but we all survived and the boys (Danny and Garrett) were predictably excited and wanted to do it again. The particular rapid that flipped us over was called "Yankee Jim's Revenge". It was named after an early settler of the area that decided he would charge a toll for anyone that crossed this area of the river and shoot them if they refused. Very neighborly!

I highly recommend a trip to Yellowstone. There was no shortage of things to do (we also mined for opals, shopped in West Yellowstone, fished several rivers and creeks both in and out of the park, and hiked around a bit). West Yellowstone is a beautiful town just outside the West entrance of the park. There is a figure-8 loop you can drive around the park and we only had time for the upper loop and part of the west edge of the lower loop - enough to see Old Faithful. We never got to see Jackson Hole, WY and plan to go back. I'm just hoping Garrett forgets about white-water rafting . . .