This is so hard. My stomach hurts - it's hard to concentrate and focus. I can get distracted and then I'm looking at the calendar or someone asks me about you. I was listening to a song this morning that you played with your friends on Guitar Hero.
I'm honoring your boundaries. I am holding onto hope.
A colleague asked me for input on a meeting this morning. My mind immediately started wondering why they were asking. "Do I say too much and they are trying to get ahead of it?" "Are they worried I will bring up something I shouldn't?" I realized this is a pattern for me. I respond to attention in one of two ways: if it is unexpected - I try to figure out what the person's agenda or ulterior motive is; if I have manipulated the attention - I am excited by it.
This is a discovery for me. I recently figured out that childhood abuse caused my compliancy (sp?) with men. My childhood abuse also caused me to be wary of attention. Attention from my father always meant something bad. I tried to be under the radar anytime he was around. This has created a behavior in me where unexpected attention puts me on guard - trying to figure out what bad thing is about to happen. I like attention but only when I have manipulated it. That type of attention is safe but more importantly I get the attention I want (type) and from who I want.
The other thing that occurred to me is that my father's abuse was not because of me. His abuse of me was entirely because of what happened to him. The ONLY job I had was being born. By that simple fact, I fulfilled every responsibility I owed him. Just by BEING - I am exactly what I'm supposed to be. I had no other resonsibility to him. The entire rest of my life is BONUS CONTENT. He had no right to abuse me because I forgot to do something or because I didn't act a way he expected. He abused me because of his failures or inadequacies or his past. It had nothing to do with me.
I was listening to a podcast ("Depresh Mode") and John Moe was interview KC Davis (link below). She said something that was very enlightening to me. She said that something therapists look for when they are interviewing children suspected of being abused is that they are compliant. Not behaved - compliant. They are afraid of making mistakes, they do everything they are told, they don't question authority. They don't have tantrums. They don't act out. This was so mind-blowing for me. My father was abusive. I was compliant at home and at school. More importantly though - I was compliant with abusive men. I was sexually abused by several different men and I was compliant. I hate that about myself. I hate thinking about just letting those things happen to me and not fighting back. But hearing KC Davis this morning say that children who are abused learn to be compliant was so freeing. My father's behavior taught me to be compliant and that translated into allowing men to abuse me sexually. This spilled over into consensual sex as well with my partners. My drive to please them - never meet my own needs. Do things that make me uncomfortable.
How did I get here? I don’t know for sure but I’ve finally arrived! I think I was always searching but I wasn’t sure for what. And maybe I didn’t even know I was looking.
I know a few days ago I heard this song - it was a love song. But while I was singing it I wanted someone to sing it to me and then I WAS singing it to me. I was imagining what it would feel like to love yourself that much. I wondered if I could love myself so much that I could be my own best friend - my own lover - my confidante - my cheerleader. The song was I Won’t Give Up by Jason Mraz:
It’s pointless to try to update everything since the last post. So - here’s the TL:DR version - disillusioned by Mormon Church, two suicide attempts, countless panic attacks, unhappy, dissatisfied in my marriage, faith crisis, hours of therapy, DBT, asked my husband for separation in February 2020, resigned church membership in March 2020, pandemic, sell the house, move to an apartment, divorced in March 2021, changed my name in April 2021, happy.
